Change, proper child spacing, and gray beards

A Five Things essay

1. All of a sudden it’s fall. The grass is green and the trees are just turning at the edges, as if all it took was one light rain and voila. The apple trees are daily stops for the mama deer and two fawns, and the covey of quail that skitter up the road every day are noticeably bigger. Everything keeps changing without my permission, too fast, too much.

   

   No one knows how this apple landed in this dead tree, but it had several bite marks and the next day it was gone.

2. I have a really hard time looking ahead—like, for instance, I cannot believe Christmas is just over two months away. I feel frozen when I try to think ahead. Everything keeps changing and my brain, heart, and soul all want stasis: just stop. Nothing does. Nothing stops and I couldn’t find the mums at Costco yesterday but there were the 6 foot tall Advent calendars, the plethora of plastic playthings every kid wants, the bows and paper to wrap it all with. And skeletons.

3. Everything changes. This is rule #1 of life and what also surprises me are the things that don’t actually change. People keep having babies can you believe it? We have another grandbaby on the way in December and we are ecstatic and in love with all of them and also I can’t believe I used to do that—have babies and wrangle toddlers and constantly be buckling or wiping or feeding or counting: one two three four; one two three four. Just a few years after our last child, I remember thinking people are still having kids? I’m sooooo done with the baby stage, I can’t believe people are still doing that.

   Also what doesn’t change are the mommy-wars. I have seen snippets of the current “Thou Shalts” happening online, though I haven’t read any actual articles because why would I? Apparently the people with too much wisdom are letting it overflow and chastising moms for having closely-spaced children…too close. (Feel free to correct me if I have the argument wrong—I’ve only seen responses to the articles on Notes.)

   FWIW: I became a step-mom to an 8 year old on my wedding day, birthed 3 children in 3 years, and then we adopted our youngest 5 years later. We have big age gaps and also very closely spaced kids, and our experience is that all 5 kids still hang out as adults. The middle three were the closest when they were little and yes, things were pretty hectic at times but also I absolutely loved it/was exhausted. Every single child is a different story. The only thing I haven’t really seen discussed yet is how no one warns you about your closely spaced children all hitting big milestones together—all the things that happen after they turn 18. Even if they are all good things, they are all happening at once and a mom who maybe was never super emotional is now simultaneously facing midlife hormonal changes and celebrating her kids’ graduations/careers/marriages/moves/babies.

4. The babies change. Tim and I were talking about our kids this morning and how they are all adults, how time is weird, how boggling and heart-wrenching it is to realize we have to make plans for a future that we cannot control. We are older and the babies are young but older and we want to tell them things, but we can’t even wrap our own minds it—that life can change so fast. That all we really have is right now and the people within our reach. That what is most important is how we are walking with Jesus and everyday realizing we really don’t know much. Really. Not much.

5. We are changing. It’s always been that way but people in the middle of their supposed lifespan are more acutely aware and less obtusely oblivious to change. Tim was flipping through songs on his Spotify this morning and landed on some countrified praise song we’d never heard before, but the gist of it was that my dad is gone but at least I had one; my mom is alone but doing okay; my hometown has changed and my beard is turning gray yada yada yada—I’m not a fan. Tim turned it off after a few verses. “That just makes me feel like having a midlife crisis,” he said. Then he put on his boots and hiked off into the woods to watch the day change.

   

   One of the sunrises Tim and two of our boys experienced in the Eagle Cap Wilderness this year. PC: Jacob Payne