Help me to do great things as though they were small,
Because I do them with Your power;
And small things as though they were great,
Because I do them in Your name. ~ Blaise Pascal
Sneaking, slinking, catching you unaware. That's how it happens to me on a Monday when I had planned to be calm, planned to look up, planned to be peaceful while busy and pleasant while positive. I was going to count my blessings and do small things as though they were great.
I was all ready to take joy in the things I didn't want to do and those things were going to be my gateway drug, my open door to a holy life of thanksgiving in all things. All things.
Trouble is, all the things ganged up on my mindset and thumped me right down, and I was naive I suppose - to think I could tackle the first full-Monday back to school with grace and good attitudes.
Truly, life is easy when it's put to words. It's the Monday mornings and excess of words that get you.
A friend and I commiserated with one another over text messages, and we could have written some amazing country songs about lost school books, lost confidence, lost enthusiasm and the short-comings of our morning coffee. Everything was bad and I may have at least wanted to kick the dog.
Oh the drama.
Around lunch time I noticed four check boxes in my bullet journal. On my daily schedule, I draw a box for Bible (have I been in the Word), Exercise (did I move in some sort of strenuous way), Read Aloud (did I read to the kids from our current story), and Write (did I put anything into written words, other than lists and assignments).
All my boxes had been checked for the day and I'd even made pancakes for breakfast, and it was still crummy. These are the four things I had deemed most important, most rewarding, most soul-feeding, and having all the boxes checked wasn't curing me.
I was fractured and scattered.
I just want to be able to focus on one thing I thought. And the good Christian in me said focus on Jesus! and she's right, but this isn't Sunday School and for some reason, sometimes, I think I really prefer a bad attitude.
I want to wallow in self-pity and overwhelming circumstances.
I realized in my head that everything was not all that bad, that I had so much to be thankful for and I really had done some important things that day. But honestly, there was no tidy wrap-up to a Monday like this and no lesson to learn that hadn't already been hammered in a thousand times.
I didn't need a lesson and sometimes you don't need to be told what you already know, for crying out loud.
Sometimes the only bow to tie on the day is bedtime. Let's just try this again tomorrow.
So today is Tuesday. I have the same boxes to check, the same dozen directions to go, the same needs to meet. I have the same skills I had yesterday and even a little less sleep, because I thought stewing over the day would be a good idea last night.
The only consolation I can offer for those days is a hearty me, too, and Jesus knows. I hope that's enough.
I hope I'm better suited for Tuesday than I was for Monday, and I'm making all the preparations I can. I'll try less fight today and more surrender, because it's possible that the Lord wants to redirect my well-ordered intentions. Possible.